Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
