A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
