I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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