I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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