Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
