Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
