i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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