Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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