The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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