true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize