I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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