I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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