She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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