yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
