At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize