someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
