dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Randomize
