tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
