saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
