you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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