I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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