I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
