forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
