she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
