i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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