he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize