Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
