my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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