i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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