it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
