fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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