I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Randomize
