I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
