Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
