the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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