We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
