Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
