i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
