U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Randomize
