I'm lost and stupid without you.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
