Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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