Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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