This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
