Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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