ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
