They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Send help, water and tortillas.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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