we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize