Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
