Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Randomize