I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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