I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
