the ceiling is raining jello shotss
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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