I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
