I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
