hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
