i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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