Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
