I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
