What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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