apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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