They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
