he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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