I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
