oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
