1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
