What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
