I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
